The following is a C.A.R. story (Change-Action-Result) story I sent March 13, 2005 to the POL Bozeman creation team. I thought you might enjoy it as well.
DEFLECTING ACKNOWLEDGMENTS AND COMPLIMENTS
One of the behaviors I've noticed of myself more and more, over the last few years since taking the Life Training, is how I tend to deflect compliments and acknowledgments. I've never been able to "figure out" what that was all about until I took the Power of Love course recently.
A CORE BELIEF
In that seminar, I discovered a deep core belief that "All love is conditional", at least for me. This has manifested itself in the way I take in (or rather not take in) love coming my way. When it comes in the form of an acknowledgment or compliment, I start getting very uncomfortable in my skin. I get anxious, and I want to run away from it. Some of the mind talk has been:
- I don't deserve it (F)
- You don't really know me (the REAL me) (DK)
- You're just saying that to be nice (F)
- It's not really honest (DK)
IF YOU LOVE ME, IT'S BECAUSE YOU WANT SOMETHING FROM ME
During the Power of Love, I discovered something a lot deeper though:
- You must want something from me (F)
- You're just saying it to get something from me (F)
- I don't trust you (F)
- I don't trust anybody (F)
- Your love is conditional (DK)
- ALL love is conditional (F)
- I should never trust anybody who loves me, because it's conditional love (F)
- If I accept it, it can be taken away (F)
- I will get hurt if I allow love in (DK)
DEEPER
Before taking a stand, I really wanted to get to a deeper level of where this core belief about the conditionally (is that even a word) of love was coming from. A month after the POL course, I remembered an instance from my early teens.
THE EARLY LIFE SHOCK
I was having an argument with my dad at the family dinner table. We had had a long past of similar arguments. I can still see the veins popping in his forehead whenever he got really angry. The arguments were always about something pretty innocent at first, quite often about something that didn't make any sense to me logically. My dad prided himself on his logic, and he would present a logical argument. Even at an early age, I saw big holes in logic in what he said (a view of the world that many adults shared, in my teenage opinion).
As I countered with better logic (in my opinion, of course :) ) my dad would get upset about being made wrong. As he ran out of logic, he would get personal ("Mark, you don't know what you're talking about." "Wait, until you grow up."). When he thought he was starting to loose the argument, he would get more and more angry. He would say very mean and belittling remarks to me,
I started feeling that these arguments were not fun, and actually spoiling the enjoyment of the wonderful Indonesian dinners my mom used to cook for our family of five kids, I started feeling responsible for finding a way to avoid them. Not talking, saying what my dad wanted to hear, making him right were all attempts that he saw right through.
PAIN IN THE RAIN
One night, my dad got so angry during another dinner argument, he told me to leave the house, in a pouring rain. I was totally shocked, but left. I huddled up in the cold and dark underneath some trees at the bottom of the hill on which our house stood. Shivering in the cold and wet, I cried and cried; the rain and my tears were in sync. I could not believe my parents had kicked me out of the house. Aside from indignation, deep pain and hurt settled all over my body.
Going back to that moment and clearing it (the trans-derivational process) got me in touch with putting in place that core belief: "All love is conditional." If parents can do that to children, then no one is safe (False). My guiding beliefs included that I must become protector of children from mean parents. That I must be more loving to make up for the lack of love in others. etc
I DON'T WANT YOUR LOVE !
During the POL course, I actually blurted out "I DON'T WANT YOUR LOVE" and what I meant is that I don't want conditional love. I learned that my judgments about love, whether it is conditional or unconditional has kept me from accepting it. I pride myself of giving unconditional love, and yet I've thrown people close to me out of my life when I've felt hurt. How unconditional is that ?
THE TRUTH
The truth is that whether love is conditional or unconditional is a judgment, and a smoke screen. I want one but not the other, but there is no way to tell ahead of time. The truth is that I am a human being who does get upset and can act unloving at times, just like anyone else.
Besides that, love is love, pure and simple. I've been throwing out the baby with the bath water, not wanting to accept even a simple acknowledgment or compliment, The larger costs have been that I've felt driven about being more loving, that I've not been willing to accept deep love from others, not even significant others. The wall may have retreated at times, but never has come down completely.
MY STAND
The stand I now choose to take is that, yes
All love is conditional...
..on my receptivity to it.
I now understand that what I chose to do with love coming my way has not worked. I want to accept love unconditionally, whether it comes in the form of compliments, acknowledgment, intimacy, or any of the other thousands of forms that Love takes. I want to experience in whatever form I encounter it. I want to discover more forms of love in the world I live in.
THE RESULT
I now notice quite quickly when I get that uneasy feeling. Rather than deflecting, I allow myself to absorb it. Stay still for a moment, breathe it in, allow the real experience of love in. Feel it, rather than deflect it.
Aaaaaaah, the moments of ecstasy in my life have multiplied ten fold !
I see love when I drive to work, looking at the gorgeous snow-capped Rocky mountains.
I hear love when I chat with the grocery clerk, with co-workers and strangers.
I smell love in the fragrances walking in the woods.
I taste love in the wonderful flavors of new cuisines I've not experienced before.
I feel love when I touch someone on the shoulder who is having a tough day at work.
I now see that if I cannot see love, it is not because it's not there, but because I am blind to it, blocking my own vision. The question is no longer: where is Love (in the universe), but rather where is Love NOT ?!? Is there any place where God is not ?
THE POWER OF LOVE
There is much happening in the world at large as well is in most people's personal lives that may be seen as evidence that lovelessness seems to be pervasive and a general direction. Courses like the Power of Love help me and many others not only understand, but more importantly EXPERIENCE the huge amounts of Love available to us, and in us.
If you have experienced a desire to get more in touch with this magic, the Power of Love course is for you. Hanging out for two days with incredibly loving people is a small cost, for such a huge benefit, don't you think. Perhaps, the answer to a world filled with fear, is to return it to Love.
Will you go for it in your life ?
Come join me and the team next weekend in Bozeman
(registration form and directions attached)
Love always.
Marrrek
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