MASTERY
The
ability to be happy regardless of circumstances.
"Squeezed
between Who-I-am-afraid-I-am, and Who-I-wish-I-were lives
Who-I-Am;"
From
"Inner-Sights" - Marrrek
Yesterday
a friend of mine I had not talked to for several months
emailed me:
"I
know I have not been in contact, but your words are in my
head daily. You made a big difference in my life - not for
just a weekend, but every day since."
I was amazed!
She was
talking about an email I had sent her in response to her
issues regarding having a "control drama", as well as always
"running short on time". Since the email had such an impact
on her I figured it may be of value to others, so I am
sharing its contents here.
There is a
constant struggle for attention in my mind between three
versions of myself
1. The person
who I am afraid I am or might be (my feared Self)
2. The person
who I think I should be or wish I were (my ideal Self)
3. The person
I actually am (my true Self)
Of these
three, two are illusions and one is real.
Two are based
on lies, and one on truth.
One is
based in fear, one is based in fantasy and one is based in
reality.
One lives in
the past, one lives in the future, and only one lives in the
present.
The person I
am now is the only real one that exists, and only in this
present moment, and this present moment, and this
present moment, ....
USING
YOUR OTHER SENSES
If what I am
intuiting about you is true, you have many senses
that are underutilized. But with so much
seeming success using your brilliant mind ("If you think you
only have a hammer, everything starts looking like a
nail."), you tend to want to use it more and more, even for
issues that require being "sensible"
instead of "mind-full". (Excuse the puns, I
know you like them)
I was talking
about the word "drama" having an emotional connotation, and
being laden with emotional baggage. The word drama in our
culture is often used overly dramatically. :)
NLP -
NEURO-LINGUISTIC PROGRAMMING -
THE POWER OF OUR WORDS
There is
scientific evidence that indicates that how we say
things has a measurable impact on our body-mind. Our brain
neurons are reprogrammed by our thoughts and words.
Try to sense
what is evoked in subtle energy in yourself with just the
simple sentence: "I am working on my control drama."
It evokes certain emotional responses, as NLP professes,
that may not be conducive to creating a safe space for
learning. The word "drama" is a judgment. What you could
start noticing more is how often you use judgmental words
almost out of habit, and how they make you feel. Getting
sensitive to your own language (HOW you talk with others
about yourself, but also how your mind phrases your mind
talk) can open up a huge arsenal of tools for you, as
opposed to trying to use your mental hammer on everything
that's not a nail.
For example,
sense the difference in energy in your body between saying:
"I have to
..." and "I want to ...".
"I need ..."
and "I would like ..."
"I must ..."
and "I could try ..."
"I should ..."
and "I prefer ..."
I'm not saying
these are equivalent in meaning, but you can sense the
built-in stress and conflict energy in the first phrase of
each pair, and the somewhat calm and peaceful energy in the
second phrase. It may be subtle, but a lifetime of talking
to yourself (and others) with subtle but persistent stress
and inner conflict will wear on body and mind in the long
term. It not only affects our happiness but also our
physical health.
LIVING
OUT OF ABUNDANCE INSTEAD OF SHORTAGE
This also
applies to how we handle meeting life's demands and our
schedule. If you are acting often as if you are running
short of time ("So many things to handle,
so little time!"), the energy you are giving yourself with
this lack of time is stressful. What if you switched and got
that time is actually abundant (time has never run out so
far, especially not for reincarnating Buddhists :) )
When you start
from a belief in abundance, you can still manage your
schedule to appreciate the abundance (wasting it is not the
intent of abundance), and you still may not be able to do
all the things you would like to do, but the difference is
in the experience of your own energy. Being happy while
doing, rather than hoping to be happy after having done.
The belief in
shortage is actually based on a false assumption we make:
that somehow we know how much there SHOULD be (of time,
money, food, love or any other resource in our lives).
Another God complex unveiled. This applies also to your
thinking about where you think you should be in your life
right now at your age. You should be more successful,
advanced, and time is running short (T/F/DK?). Underneath it
is a subtle but core belief that time is running out. Which
creates stress and more demands on yourself for shaping up
and trying harder, smarter, better, different. Good luck
getting happy with that approach ! (sorry for the sarcasm).
BEING
MORE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF
So even if you
THINK the use of the word "drama" is appropriate, try to
sense how you feel when you use it, every time you use it.
And check if there is another way of saying it, to see how
you feel. "I want to feel more relaxed in my life."
versus "I am working on my control drama."
The only
people who work on their control drama are the ones who are
still believing they have one, so the sentence is actually
an affirmation of "I (still) have a control drama."
While names
and labels can provide convenient shortcuts for long terms
and phrases, they can also add a level of discomfort, unease
or worse, fear or reactivity, that is actually inhibiting
learning. You may be life shocking yourself every time you
think or say or hear the words "control drama" or even just
"drama". And the ego mind loves drama, which is its way of getting
attention, which it believes equates to getting love. It
doesn't matter if it's negative or positive attention.
ALL
JUDGMENT IS BAD :)
This also
relates to the mirror process: your judgment in what you
believe you see in the mirror, is the same judgment that
says you should be further along on your path at your age.
Not only is the judgment not helping any, but you may even
believe that without the judgment (that you have a control
drama and that this is bad) you would be going down this
"wrong" path even further. Nothing could be farther from the
truth; the judgment is actually AT THE CORE of issue, and
it's the driven-ness behind the judgment ("I SHOULD be ...")
that keeps the issue(s) going even longer.
And your
inner-child is hiding out because this is not safe space to
show up, or to learn.
THE
JUDGMENT SPIRAL
The more you
judge yourself for not having lived up to your own
expectations, or for having "bad" behaviors or traits, the more
you will feel driven to control them. And the more driven
you become, the less happy you will be. All of which in turn
will create more judgment about how things are spiraling
more downward (which in fact they are in your mind), and
causing more demand for self control, control of others,
control of Life itself, and more driven-ness to figure out
how to solve the problem of Life itself seeming out of your
control.
A
LIFE WITHOUT JUDGMENT - ACCEPTANCE
The ego mind
will claim that a life without judgment would require that
one blindly accepts everything in one's life, and one would
become a doormat, without ambitions. That too is a
judgment (that it's bad to be a doormat and who says there
are no happy doormats
:) ).
The ego mind
thrives on judgment because that's how it gets attention:
"Watch out
or you are going to embarrass yourself. Listen to me or bad
things will happen. I've kept you safe and alive so far, no
? I am your one and only true friend. I've always been there
for you telling you what dangers to avoid. You can trust me.
" It's the snake in the Garden of Eden.
What it is not
saying is the truth:
"I am the
one who constantly instills fear into you by telling you all
the bad things that could happen, or all the things you
should have done, or failed to do. I am the one who makes
your life a living nightmare, not your circumstances, but
my many interpretations, judgments, beliefs, expectations
Heck, without any of that stuff, you could be happy
regardless of circumstances, in an instant. My fears instill
your resistance to Life as it is."
So here is my
desire for you to get:
THE
TRUTH ABOUT (YOUR) LIFE
The secret to
your success lies not in (improving) your ability to control
the (external) circumstances of your life to meet your
demands, expectations, wishes, beliefs and judgments. Most
of (your) life may NEVER be under your control.
The secret to
your success lies in (improving) your ability to be happy
regardless of circumstance, and THAT is always fully
available for you to control if you so wish: your
experience of your circumstances.
Your
experience is determined by your mind's software, which is
totally (re)programmable.
Debugging it
may take a life time, however. :)
But it's
always wonderful to upgrade !
Love always.
Marrrek