Helping others realize their vision.
"Teach only Love,
 For that is what you are."

from A Course In Miracles

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Marrrek's Musings

Recent articles

Stop Scratching Your Wounds
Vive la Difference
Bats, brains & balls
The Three Wishes
Do All You Can


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The ability to be happy regardless of circumstances.
"Squeezed between Who-I-am-afraid-I-am, and Who-I-wish-I-were lives Who-I-Am;"
                                                                 From "Inner-Sights" - Marrrek
There is a constant struggle for attention in my mind between three versions of myself
1. The person who I am afraid I am or might be (my feared Self)
2. The person who I think I should be or wish I were (my ideal Self)
3. The person I actually am (my true Self)
Of these three, two are illusions and one is real.
Two are based on lies, and one on truth.
One is based in fear, one is based in fantasy and one is based in reality.
One lives in the past, one lives in the future, and only one lives in the present.
The person I am now is the only real one that exists, and only in this present moment, and this present moment, and this present moment, ....


If what I am intuiting about you is true, you have many senses that are underutilized. But with so much seeming success using your brilliant mind ("If you think you only have a hammer, everything starts looking like a nail."), you tend to want to use it more and more, even for issues that require being "sensible" instead of "mind-full". (Excuse the puns, I know you like them)
I was talking about the word "drama" having an emotional connotation, and being laden with emotional baggage. The word drama in our culture is often used overly dramatically. :) 


There is scientific evidence that indicates that how we say thinks has a measurable impact on our body-mind. Our brain neurons are reprogrammed by our thoughts and words.
Try to sense what is evoked in subtle energy in yourself with just the simple sentence: "I am working on my control drama." It evokes certain emotional responses, as NLP professes, that may not be conducive to creating a safe space for learning. The word "drama" is a judgment. What you could start noticing more is how often you use judgmental words almost out of habit, and how they make you feel. Getting sensitive to your own language (HOW you talk with others about yourself, but also how your mind phrases your mind talk) can open up a huge arsenal of tools for you, as opposed to trying to use your mental hammer on everything that's not a nail.
For example, sense the difference in energy in your body between saying: 
"I have to ..." and "I want to ...".
"I need ..." and "I would like ..."
"I must ..." and "I could try ..."
"I should ..." and "I prefer ..."
I'm not saying these are equivalent in meaning, but you can sense the built-in stress and conflict energy in the first phrase of each pair, and the somewhat calm and peaceful energy in the second phrase.It may be subtle, but a lifetime of talking to yourself (and others) with subtle but persistent stress and inner conflict will wear on body and mind in the long term. It not only affects our happiness but also our physical health. 


This also applies to how we handle meeting life's demands and our schedule. If you are acting often as if you are running short of time ("So many things to handle, so little time!"), the energy you are giving yourself with this lack of time is stressful. What if you switched and got that time is actually abundant (time has never run out so far,especially not for reincarnating Buddhists :) )
When you start from a belief in abundance, you can still manage your schedule to appreciate the abundance (wasting it is not the intent of abundance), and you still may not be able to do all the things you would like to do, but the difference is in the experience of your own energy. Being happy while doing, rather than hoping to be happy after having done.
The belief in shortage is actually based on a false assumption we make: that somehow we know how much there SHOULD be (of time, money, food, love or any other resource in our lives). Another God complex unveiled. This applies also to your thinking about where you think you should be in your life right now at age 38. You should be more successful, advanced, and time is running short (T/F/DK?). Underneath it is a subtle but core belief that time is running out. Which creates stress and more demands on yourself for shaping up and trying harder, smarter, better, different. Good luck getting happy with that approach ! (sorry for the sarcasm).


So even if you THINK the use of the word "drama" is appropriate, try to sense how you feel when you use it, every time you use it. And check if there is another way of saying it, to see how you feel. "I want to feel more relaxed in my life." versus "I am working on my control drama." (the only people who work on their control drama are the ones who are still believing they have one., so the sentence is actually an affirmation "I (still) have a control drama."
While names and labels can provide convenient shortcuts for long terms and phrases, they can also add a level of discomfort, unease or worse, fear or reactivity, that is actually inhibiting learning. You may be life shocking yourself every time you think or say or hear the words "control drama" or even just "drama". And the ego mind loves drama, its way of getting attention, which it believes equates to getting love. It doesn't matter if it's negative or positive attention. That's what you heard Eric do on the voicemail the night you broke up: he wanted to get your attention, believing it equates to getting your love.


This also relates to the mirror process: your judgment in what you believe you see in the mirror, is the same judgment that says you should be further along on your path at age 38. Not only is the judgment not helping any, but you may even believe that without the judgment (that you have a control drama and that this is bad) you would be going down this "wrong" path even further. Nothing could be farther from the truth; the judgment is actually AT THE CORE of issue, and it's the drivenness behind the judgment ("I SHOULD be ...") that keeps the issue(s) going even longer.
And little Mindy is hiding because this is not safe space to show up, or to learn.


The more you judge yourself having not living up to your own expectations, or your "bad" behaviours or traits, the more you will feel driven to control them, and the more driven you become, the less happy you will be. All of which in turn will create more judgment about how things are spiraling more downward (which in fact they are in your mind), and causing more demand for self control,control of others, control of Life itself, and more drivenness to figure out how to solve the problem of Life itself seeming out of your control.


The ego mind will claim that a life without judgment would require that one blindly accepts everything in one's life, and one would become a doormat, without ambitions That too is a judgment (that it's bad to be a doormat and who says there are no happy doormats :) ).
The ego mind thrives on judgment because that's how it gets attention:
"Watch out you are going to embarrass yourself, listen to me or bad things will happen. I've kept you safe and alive so far, no ? I am your one and only true friend. I've always been there for you telling you what dangers to avoid. You can trust me. " It's the snake in the Garden of Eden.
What it is not saying is the truth:
"I am the one who constantly instills fear into you by telling you all the bad things that could happen, or all the things you should have done, or failed to do. I am the one who makes your life a living nightmare, not your circumstances, but many interpretations, judgments, beliefs, expectations  Heck, without any of that stuff, you could be happy regardless of circumstances, in an instant. My fears instill your resistance to Life as it is."
So here is my desire for you to get:


The secret to your success lies not in (improving) your ability to control the (external) circumstances of your life to meet your demands, expectations, wishes, beliefs and judgments. Most of (your) life may NEVER be under your control.
The secret to your success lies in (improving) your ability to be happy regardless of circumstance, and THAT is always fully available for you to fully control if you so wish: your experience of your circumstances.
Your experience is determined by your mind's software, which is fully (re)programmable.
Debugging it may take a life time, however. :)
But it's always wonderful to upgrade !
Love always.


A little known fact about the Boulder, Colorado area is that we get an average of 300 days of sun per year, a far cry from the 300 days of cloudy overcast weather my native Holland gets !

Thought for today
Be the change you wish to see in the world.     - Gandhi

It is so easy to lament the state of our lives, or the world. We constantly tell ourselves: "If only circumstances were different, then life would be perfect and we all would be happy."

But true change starts within. All the great masters and teachers have taught us that throughout the ages.

Let us return the world to love, one person at a time, beginning with me.           - Marrrek

My Vision
To be a force for good,
to leave this world better than I found it,
to do all that I can,
with what I have,
in the time I have,
in the place I am.
 - Marrrek

I want to inspire and motivate others to do the same, to create heaven on earth, together.